my breath quickens & pulls tight my throat my chest the concentrated noise of what i would say but cannot say that which i know how to say but must silence it builds in my body and there becomes a force it rocks me and it pulses and grows and makes massive my heart's aura which is pain and removal. i didn't want this. when we began i was moved and so fast thinking in my way and in my thoughts that i would be able to say them and to act without analysis (was it ever that way, i don't know, i don't know i have amnesia and i am rooted in the now) the now looks like a glass ball falling gutlessly into the harbor, the shore, the scattered forms of today any words that i killed and actions that i killed and love that i have ultimately killed. i shake as i write and bow my head. HOW IS YOUR SOLITUDE DOING TODAY? I WANT TO SCREAM. who are you to build the wall. and still take from me then. and take and take and take. even though my resource is cut off. i am alone. and being tapped i am alone but being drained i am alone but my hands are not mine i am alone and i am starting to unwrap. more and more all i can do is write. i write what i know no one will ever see. i cry quietly and suppress gasps so that you won't hear me and i rage and i want to leave. your rigid lines destroy me. your stare from across the room is utterly frightening. i feel watched and not loved any longer. i feel watched. pray that the noose will fit pray that the noose. pray that the noose will fit pray that the noose. pray that the noose will fit pray that the noose. pray that the noose will fit pray that the noose. HOW IS YOUR SOLITUDE TODAY? HOW IS YOUR SOLITUDE DOING. HOW IS YOUR SOLITUDE. YOUR SOLITUDE. YOUR SOLITUDE. YOUR SOLITUDE. mine is dirty wrapped in filthy rags smells like mineral spirits and cold coffee. i throw myself away i throw myself. no words of love no words at all. content with the shortest answer don't you mind my removal you don't notice it. can i take it can i take it can i take it can i take it. i am breaking into smaller and smaller pieces and will dust away. you contain me. i act like a fucking housewife with you. you can't help it you were just brought up that way. i fit into the kitchen like a knife into a drawer. i wrap my hands around the boiling kettle and absorb. i dream of exploding entire rooms of large buildings with glass ceilings and arched rafters. i dream of scalping myself with glass shards from the windows. i dream of the bus that will take my life away. i am in pain. it has always been here. i should be able to divert but i cannot. is it because i must pack away my love for you like this that the violence is becoming me? it is such a delicate thread that joins my parts inharmonious. it takes nothing to pluck the threads and tease them forth and pull them out to disarticulate. me.