Only Erica and Harrison truly looked goth in the “Bloodbath” Photos. Party themes let them let themselves out in a way, and it worked. What more could you ask for? Putting on a costume is perfect, it is the perfect way to breathe. I can’t breathe because costumes don’t fit me. I don’t fit them. Even though I am not comfortable, I can’t put a costume on to try and make myself comfortable with myself. The goth kids could put on church clothes and go, but their goth stuff would still really show up. The black fingernails tucked under behind fists.
I am wearing a tee shirt that says “Antigua” on it. West Indies. Its huge. I wear it all of the time because it costumes my body. It is so big that I can’t be seen beneath it. And with the shirt I wear dark jeans, which don’t matter, because the shirt is purple and magenta. Nobody sees the jeans. My amp broke. My boyfriends amp broke. I broke my boyfriend’s amp. It was the first time I really sat down to try and make some music in a long time and I failed. The jack just fell into the amp and disappeared. I thought I could probably fix it, because I hardly ever can’t fix things, but I couldn’t and its just sitting there with a huge ring of pedals around it, and the microphone I was using, and my wine glass. I was sitting there trying to sing rhythmically instead of melodically, because I was trying to make backing tracks for myself out of words and pedals. The delay pedals make it so that I can sing a line and have it repeated back to me, so that it makes a rhythm pretty quickly. I was just getting started, and then I fucked it up. So I am just sitting in my Antigua shirt and typing this stuff out. The fact that I am just sitting here writing about what is going on reminds me of yesterday. I was in Kansas City playing a part in the movie “Most of My Memories Are Plagiarized”; which can be reduced to MOMMAP for quickness of typing. I was playing my “best friend’s” best friend (Emily), and I put the first best friend into quotes because I am not sure if she is my best friend really. We say we are, but who knows? She lives in NYC and I live in Lincoln. I have no idea if we are best friends. But we say we are. She is playing a dumb but excited person (maybe ghost... my guess) who’s name is IMMACULADA. One thing about my her, is that pretty much every guy I know is in LOVE with her. I don’t need to explain, just think of the really smart, really feisty, gutsy type girl with long hair who was gangly in high school but filled out to be HOT and really strong, and you’ve got it. All I can do when I’m around her is laugh EXACTLY like her. I drove her and the rest of the crew (minus one person: SHAN) to Omaha last night. They ditched Shan, using me as a getaway driver. I have told this story a few times today, like at work, I just wanted to try out telling people about it, because I am sure there is a totally perfect way of telling it, but I can’t remember what I said to my brother about it, which was the third time I told the story, and I think sounded the best. Instead of writing about it here, I think I’ll just draw it out in pen, and scan it or something, so that it can still be part of this.
My wine glass is still over on the floor by the music stuff. I have a show by myself on Monday night (tonight is Saturday, August 15). I haven’t prepared anything really for the show, something tells me I won’t. The way I have been working on things lately, is that I haven’t been working on them. I haven’t been preparing anything; just waiting for the moment, and going with the flow. That is not actually true. I still prepare greetings and “what I will say when I see someone”, or Ideas for parts of conversations before I talk to people, but that is a little different. It is not completely certain that I will have the chance to use my prepared words in convo, because someone else could steer things differently, take the reigns, start a gallop, or just walk off. Who knows. I usually only use stuff like that a few times a day. And when I am at work I talk to a lot of people. My favorite person to talk to at work is Luz and we speak Spanish together. Oh, I forgot to write that the reason I am writing with this kind of a voice is because I have been reading some Miranda July stuff, and it makes it pretty easy to just put the words on the page, or type them to the screen, or scream them into the microphone, or whatever. If I am inspired by anyone particularly right now, its her. I wonder what she’s doing right now. I bet she wants to know that I am writing this. I doubt I can send it to her, though.
Since the music stuff didn’t work out, I wonder if I should just try to find somebody to hang out with. I am always beating myself up for not being social enough. But the excuse is always right behind the beating, bearing salve and acetaminophen, reminding me that my REAL desire is to be productive, and to make stuff. Which will make people like me, and connect us because they will get what I am doing, and they will think that we are one, and I will have this feeling that I am one with me, so while I am busy feeling one with me, and they are feeling one with me and themselves, we are one. Really, that is what I think. Even though I am awake to how stupid it sounds. Another reason why I am being antisocial tonight, is that I just needed some ME time. You know!! I am sitting here, writing, having cold air blown on me from the left. In the dark. Its ME TIME!!!! I think about me time alot, and wish I had more of it. That’s why I’ll never call anyone when I’m in the middle of me time. Besides, my phone is off. I can turn it back on, but I can’t be sure if the charge will hold much longer. The phone charger was left in Kansas CIty when Emily was packing the car, while I was at dinner with Shan, while everyone else was getting ready to leave Kansas City without him. We had a really nice dinner, and talked about how frustrated he is about the movie. I guess he’s probably frustrated stiff now, since they hijacked it and took it to Omaha without him. He is probably relieved, too, because he said he was ready to do other things. But he didn’t seem like he wanted to start other things until the movie was finished filming. I could have told him. There were about a billion moments in our conversation, a billion because moments were stacked upon moments, making these huge towers of possible moments that I could have stopped him and said: “Shan. They are packing the car right now, they are going to Omaha to finish the project. They don’t want you to come. I am the getaway driver. Right now I am distracting you so they can pack the car. Do you like the rosewater lemonade? It tastes concentrated. I am concentrating on your eyes. You have very dark, black eyes, and I didn’t want to tell you this: that they are really going to take this all the way to the place you never suspected it would go. I am sorry. When we get back, I will go to the bathroom to pee, and John and Emily will already be running to the car. Dan will tell me when I come out of the bathroom, “Teal, Emily is looking for you outside”, and I will go out there, knowing what is happening. You will be in the living room, sitting at the card table on the camping chairs with the green lamp between you, hearing from Dan: “Shan, we are leaving. We are taking the movie to Omaha. Right now. We are breaking up with you.” And you will say: “This doesn’t sound like a joke”. And Dan will already be out the door when you stand up, and we’ll be driving down State Line road by the time you get to the window. Fortunately, Libby will still be there, wearing her red polka dot dress, waiting for you to explode. She seems like an amazing girl.”
I think I am going to draw that panel to scan.